the prospect of jumping off a cliff has never seemed so appealing...
Let's just say I read a book
and leave it at that
the randomness of my craziness
is not for anyone to fathom
either you understand this or you do not
it is as simple as that
my life is not his
to meddle with
to take control of
it is MINE
and mine alone...
but I love him so much...
and now he's gone
(do I really love him or is that hormones speaking? I do not know)
and I hope he feels the same way
but he probably has gotten over it
a LOT better than I have
I know I don't cope well with life.
My mind is fragmented and falling apart
but at least I know it still exists...
I'm numb from thinking
and he's not here to help me feel again
to warm me in his arms
to keep me safe...
perhaps...
I shouldn't lock everyone out
but what choice do I have?
because guess what?
letting people in won't do a thing for me
I have to cope with it myself
I know this,
and I'm trying to deal with this
and the ironic thing is now I'm not even sure what I'm talking about...
Maybe it's this darkness
this black void
this grey emptiness
the churning, ceaseless emotions that I feel
and don't feel
and I don't think anyone's gonna understand this
and just a request
don't tell me I need help cos I already know that
I can help myself
just...
don't try and counsel me
or help me
about what I've written here
cos it won't help
you won't help
...I don't even know why I'm letting you read this
it should be here for me
only me
pfff oh well!!!
If I pretend that I don't care
If I pretend that I don't hurt
the pretense will become reality
eventually
do actors ever have a problem?
does their acting start to become so real
that not only does the audience believe it
but do they believe it too?
and then what?
who is the real person
the one that was before the facade
or the one that is now...
I can see what I'm writing is pathetic
I can see I of all people have no right
no right at ALL
to be saying this
but I am
because that's how I feel.
Stupid teen angst
I know
that there are people who would kill
and people who have killed
to have this be their biggest problem,
to have a reserved discussion
on nothing bigger
than a mental ripple
to have the time I have
to have the luxuries I have
to even live
but they don't
and they aren't lucky
and I am
so what does that make me?
The only people that can help are not you who read this.
They are not my family
and they are not my friends
but they can help me
and I can't reach them
because they don't exist.
Believe you me they don't freaking exist at all...
([insert deity's name here] help me),
I want to die NOW
I want to see what's on the other side
I'm curious
and it feels like nothing's left here for me
and I don't know why
Hmm...
maybe
it's just that this getting to a good time of the month for a mood swing
and so,
his departure
was
the
catalyst.
No-one should blame themselves for me,
or what I do
except for me.
I'll look at this and laugh
I know I will,
I will laugh at my patheticosity
and my stupidity
and my blindness
and my hormonalness
but right here,
right now,
for me this is real
This is what I've put myself through
by falling for some guy
who's gone
(I don't blame him, you understand...he didn't want to go either...but...now I'm a little down because of it)
and I have to say
Mum was right
keep some of yourself back for yourself
or when they leave
they'll take it with them
even if they don't know they're doing it
It seems that stupidity is not the exclusive domain of stupid people
Anyways, I feel better now.
Writing this down helped, I think
Gonna go to sleep now
maybe....
or I'll stay up drowning in emotion
and other things
I'm not sure why I shared this with the world
I don't know why I shared this with the world...
oh well
peace all
good night!
(well...that changed the world so much...really...it's just ripples, ripples in an infinite pond...so it doesn't matter anyway!! Maybe I would be better off posting about my perspective on world events, and it wouldn't be so depressing for anyone who reads this :P lol)
